Diary of a Wining kid

Before I opened this editor to write, I knew I had so many thoughts in my head that needed to come out somewhere. You know that place when you are in, where you can’t scream but you want to.

You want people to hear you, but you can’t.

Or just choking on your own words, feeling burnt down by your own thoughts – so much so that you just want to be liberated of all that is going on.

Maybe that’s the reason I revisited my blog today. I have been writing poems on my Instagram page about how things are not okay, how many people are home but not yet home, how I am not safe at my own home, how people are just pretentious souls that say they are going to be there for you. Interestingly all these hypotheses are being validated – all thanks to the pandemic, and the sheer plight that the world is in.

Not sure how many of you have experienced being that person who is ready to sacrifice everything, or be known as the ultimate giver. If yes, then welcome to a small part of my brain that is weighing me down so heavily. It hurts to see how people are always ready to take but just don’t make you feel loved – because they have other people to love. This is not my jealousy speaking, and nor do I hate these other people – but maybe there is an equilibrium somewhere. Or there is a way to not feel bad about this.

Everyone has the right to chose who they love, who they care for – and I am sure when people pick people, they make the right choices. But what about the ones who don’t get picked despite being the nice people out there? A lot of people tell me that the best way around that is to love yourself.

Really? Haven’t we already established the fact that humans are needy and dependent? If self-love was really a concept, our race would have never expanded, every single would have been an introvert and the world would be different as we know it.

So, I say to these caretakers who think loving your self can fix the urge of being loved and cared by someone else – PLEASE STOP. It is not easy to give so much and not expect anything in return without showing it. And for those who share the same spot as I do every day – well my friend, it is a harsh world out there. Some times it is not easy being a nice person – maybe that’s why the words don’t come out when you the person you thought were close to, have stronger bonds with someone else.

I’d say there is no way around this, because that’s how I am wired, and I will keep crying about it to myself. There is no way I can make people see this side of me – because when they need saving, I have to be strong for them

Thoughts

We all think we are strong, and are ready for anything that comes our way. Ever wondered why that thought comes? And when you actually face the situation, you end up losing the war?

It’s amazing how just everyday you tell yourself today will be better, today will be different but then all you face is disappointment, negativity and feeling of not living up to the thoughts of a better day. What makes things worse are the people that you always had faith in decide not to show up for you when you need them the most. Maybe we don’t express it enough, maybe we don’t ask openly for help, but then is it too much for people like us to expect people who get us just by looking at us?.

Maybe best friends are only meant for people who paint a happy picture, who seem to accept the fact that they are wrong, whom seem to know where to be in life. I guess that’s why when you see these bonds, you feel more alone, you feel as if you will never have someone who gets you.

But then, the world has a cliche answer to that too – your parents. But then what about people like us who were never allowed to bloom by your parents, who were always made to feel claustrophobic by just the mere presence. And please don’t tell us that we don’t love them – we will give our lives for them as much as the ones who tell that their mum and dad are their best friends. Maybe someday you will realise that each one of us was brought up differently and the very reason we stay disconnected from our parents is because we don’t want them to take the pressure of us not being okay. Why? Because they will just not understand what goes through this head because they perceive life in a very different way.

What’s the solution to all this? Give up on life? Cut yourself from the world? Stop living? Maybe yes, maybe not – I also don’t know – yes people like us exist. We don’t know what to do with oursleves this very next minute. All we know is that we have to survive, and we will. We will cry, we will wake up tomorrow, we will accept the sorrow and hope things get better.

The Dream

He woke up,
It was middle of the night
He looked around
There was no one by his side
He closed his eyes
The dream played again in his mind
He smiled a little
But cried inside
They broke him, they hurt him
He still walked
Putting them all aside
There was agony, there was pain
He held back for now
Then the tears came
It was bad
He saw no good
The pain had nowhere to hide
He tried to face it
In anger he screamed, put up a fight
It was not long
Before he quit
“I am just fine”, he lied

I will be fine

“I’m fine”, he said with a smile extending from one end to the another.

Little did they know, what was brushed under the carpet,

Little did they know the effort put in to pull off that smile and

Little did they know, that the smile

Was just an effort to keep people away from his life.

He still cared as if she mattered to her the most

He still loved as if she was the only one in the world

Even when he knew, it was not meant to be

Even when he knew, one day she will walk away

Even then he said – “No she is not using me”

He tried to look ahead

He tried to walk ahead, with a strong face

Because no one picked him up

Because no one wanted him to get up

Because he was still waiting for her hand to pull him up

“I see her.

I see her right next to me

I see her smiling right back at me

I see her standing in front of me

With him, instead of being with me”

He took steps to find that love again

He made efforts to fake that smile again

All he could do was pick up the pieces

All he could do was walk away

All he did, was close his eyes

Tears trickled down, holding the pain

He looked up with his moist eyes

“I’m really fine’, he grinned once again

Frustration – It’s a gradual process

What should I consider it as? A weakness? A strength? Or just probably something that pulls me down every single time.

It may just be ignorance from someone I love

Or words that hurt from someone at work

Sometimes it’s just the absence of someone from the day

Or just the inability to express my feelings in what I say

It builds up, slowly and steadily

Just like the calm before the storm

It won’t come out the instance you want it to

It won’t be shown, but will be figured out only by few

All you want to do is just shout

But you are clueless- what’s this anger about.

That time, you just sit in one corner, try to do your work, try to live your life, try to be normal. You try to portray it to the world that everything is fine, you are happy inside and life is as smooth as butter. But no one is able to see the rage that’s building up inside, the flood of emotions that is rising as the clock ticks by, the frustration slowly kicking in and taking control of you.

Your actions hurt others

The reactions you get, it never really bothers

All you want to do this break away

Just have someone, who can be there and hear you say

There won’t be anyone but

And then you will know the doors are shut

The last ray of hope is gone

The negativity takes over

Anger takes control

The transformation is painful, yet a happy one

Frustration becomes your happy place

Violence is your closure in the coming days

Beware- the animal has been unleashed!