Home

The sun was fading away into the horizon

It was a long day, loads of work and definitely no fun

He packed up his back, she closed her work

Both of them left for their home

There was a smile on his face, happiness in her step

He dreamt of holding her

She laughed at the thought of him hugging her

He looked at watch, she glanced outside the cab window

Both of them wondered, why is the time moving so slow

He took the last turn, her cab pulled in past the corner shop

The happiness in that moment was over the top

He parked the car, she unlocked the door

The fragrance in the house was just like the wind on a sea shore

He sat on the sofa, she hugged her in all comfort and hope

They closed their eyes, he kissed her forehead

And that was their home.

When things just happen

Have you ever imagined if some of your favourite stories came true? Or when you watched a movie and the same incident happens with you? All these fantasies are always what we wish for in our life – many a times they do happen as well, and when they do, it is different feeling. You are smiling, there are butterflies in your stomach, and the world just seems a better place – of course your heart makes your mind think – do miracles really happen?

I, of all people, and those who know me well, would acknowledge the fact about how big a fan of Bollywood I am. In fact, many people close to me also say that my life itself is a movie (ok, maybe that is just me quoting myself). Funny though that I experienced something that I have never had before.

In the age of quarantine, pandemic, work from home and isolation, it is very easy for your mind to go into overthinking mode or really drive you crazy. Interestingly, when I was in the zone of no hope, comes a notification on my phone – a friend of mine had replied to a story of mine. Oh trust me, in today’s world – that’s a bigger sign of happiness than getting a match on tinder. Anyhow, the conversation started from there – went on to some totally random topics – to daily exchanges to getting into each others’ phonebooks and then texting.

Both of us had the least of ideas about what was going on, but it was very clear that we were pulling each other out of our dark modes in these difficult times.

The first phone call happened to be a pretty long one – probably as long as an average flight time in our country (2 hours). There were things we did not know, and old incidents that we revisited from our past and places and people that we shared. Oh yes, that’s the detail I missed – we knew each other for long time but never really got to talking. Funny what a lockdown and staying at home for so long can do to you.

What was more shocking were the long list of similarities that came up – even when it comes to disliking people, food and behaviours. I guess that’s what all that was needed at that point – in both of our lives.

Little did we realise when the switch flicked and we just fell for each other. From making each other sleep at night, to making sure the other person is comfortable and has their space – I think there were lot of things that just clicked without putting effort. Long time back, a friend of mine told me – “Relationships are not about saying I love you, it is about understanding and making sure you make each other grow”.

I never understood how that would work – but today even with a distance of 2164 kms between us, we understand what is going through each other’s head, we know how to complete each other’s sentences and we know when to step back and respect each other’s space.

Till date, all of it feels like a dream, a dream that I will make sure never ends, a dream that I want to continue to live. There are only countable things in life that one can be grateful for – and I guess I have found mine and I plan to hold onto it forever.

Maybe this is what feels like to be in a movie, maybe this is what feels like when somethings just happen and you love it. I hope everyone has a story like mine as we try to find our happy place in this world.

Diary of a Wining kid

Before I opened this editor to write, I knew I had so many thoughts in my head that needed to come out somewhere. You know that place when you are in, where you can’t scream but you want to.

You want people to hear you, but you can’t.

Or just choking on your own words, feeling burnt down by your own thoughts – so much so that you just want to be liberated of all that is going on.

Maybe that’s the reason I revisited my blog today. I have been writing poems on my Instagram page about how things are not okay, how many people are home but not yet home, how I am not safe at my own home, how people are just pretentious souls that say they are going to be there for you. Interestingly all these hypotheses are being validated – all thanks to the pandemic, and the sheer plight that the world is in.

Not sure how many of you have experienced being that person who is ready to sacrifice everything, or be known as the ultimate giver. If yes, then welcome to a small part of my brain that is weighing me down so heavily. It hurts to see how people are always ready to take but just don’t make you feel loved – because they have other people to love. This is not my jealousy speaking, and nor do I hate these other people – but maybe there is an equilibrium somewhere. Or there is a way to not feel bad about this.

Everyone has the right to chose who they love, who they care for – and I am sure when people pick people, they make the right choices. But what about the ones who don’t get picked despite being the nice people out there? A lot of people tell me that the best way around that is to love yourself.

Really? Haven’t we already established the fact that humans are needy and dependent? If self-love was really a concept, our race would have never expanded, every single would have been an introvert and the world would be different as we know it.

So, I say to these caretakers who think loving your self can fix the urge of being loved and cared by someone else – PLEASE STOP. It is not easy to give so much and not expect anything in return without showing it. And for those who share the same spot as I do every day – well my friend, it is a harsh world out there. Some times it is not easy being a nice person – maybe that’s why the words don’t come out when you the person you thought were close to, have stronger bonds with someone else.

I’d say there is no way around this, because that’s how I am wired, and I will keep crying about it to myself. There is no way I can make people see this side of me – because when they need saving, I have to be strong for them

All the nice things

How much effort does it take to be nice? Is being nice a bad thing? When should one not be nice? Can this world do better with a bit of nice?

These are just few of the questions that keep flowing through my head. I search for answers to them in many different ways – by asking people, by staying up, by procrastinating, by overthinking, by confiding in myself, by crying, or by just being numb to lot of things happening around me. While I struggle through this every day, the pain of getting hurt, the pain of being stood up, the pain of not receiving love, continues to break me piece by piece. Interesting fact is that now even the harshest of pain is not able to push a tear down my eyes. Lot of people tell me I am strong, but the reality is that I am an emotional person, and as they say, over time you become immune to the pain.

I admit I need help. Don’t worry, I am not running away from the fact that I need it, I just don’t know if I am capable of explaining another unknown what is going on, take the effort to listen and have a dialogue about whatever I have felt about things till now since the start of forever. Maybe sometimes you don’t need a professional, maybe you just need to be there for yourself to feel better and get okay each and every day.

I have cried for you, I have smiled for you, I have gone above and beyond to make sure that your day is a good one, I travelled miles just to make sure you aren’t alone, I have sacrificed things just so you could be better off with people that don’t value you, I have been that person you can count on, without asking for the same in return, I have watched you grow, put my strength to push you through the hard times and stood behind every step yours guarding you, celebrating you without worrying about the important moments in my life. As I end that long sentence with a full stop, I want to make and effort to stop being that giving, to stop being who I am, to stop caring so much and just letting go.

I sit here under the fading lights of my room contemplating what is the reason I am continuing to be who I am, or why do I continue to breathe this uneasy air – again finding answers to questions that keeps me awake everyday. Maybe there is a reason that I continue to pen down my thoughts in the hope to feel better, in the hope that I will not feel bad about saying no to people, about putting myself first, about not trying too hard to seek validation, acceptance and love.

I trace my steps back to find happy memories, to find days when I used to confidently say that I am okay. The journey back is a long one, but when I reach those memories – I smile through the falling tears and tell myself that those times will come again. 

 

Home is where the heart is!

How do you build a home?

The answer to that question has always been a subjective one. I would say there never is a correct answer to that one. Many have tried answering it – and I would say all of them have succeeded in their own wonderful manner.

Many people have found solace in variety of places – Bruce Wayne found it behind a waterfall in a cave, Clark Kent found it hidden in the polar ice caps, Hancock found it on benches of New York., Diana prefered it in a world hidden from men, a bunch of turtles found it in the gutters of America.

Someone asked me, where is your home?

Well, my journey to home is a long one – from her white car to two separate blocks to a single room, it has always been about her and the place she wants to call a home. For me, it has always been about the little moments of joy and those memories which I can cherish when I grow old with her – if a place can provide those then that is home!

Remember the times when you first tried cooking together- when it all starts with a promise of making x but it ends to be y but yet you enjoy it. Or when it’s all about taking the cleaner and rubbing your weekend to cleanliness – that sure deserves a pizza to top it up. Or maybe just those relaxing days where you never switch on the light and let go of the blanket – a good sleep never bothered anyone.

But nothing can beat the days when you get your cheap thrills on and it’s just alcohol, chicken and some music to pump up your nights.

Sometimes, more than the perfect place or items, you really need that perfect someone to build a house – whether it’s spending money everyday to fix things or to take those daily trips to the supermarket because making a list is too old fashioned.

But perfect has its own definitions too. Perfect is when you fight about what food should be made, perfect is when you argue about which side of bed is yours, perfect is when you just can’t stand each other on few days, perfect is when you give each other the cold shoulder – and perfect is when deep down you know no matter how curved the edges are – you are the two pieces that fit. together.

These tales will be embedded in the curtains when you leave, the walls will echo your shouting on each other days, the floor will resonate from the days you tapped your feet together and your eyes will shed a tear – when you will lock the door for one last time.

That is when you know you are leaving a home that you both built together – a home that I built with her.

A letter from the Heart

Dear Love,

You arrived very unexpectedly. Was it before time? I don’t know. Were you late? Maybe. Was it the right time – I am still evaluating that – but what matters is that you came.

It was like the tempest which hit my life and calmed down without any harm. In fact, I loved every lash of it, I rejoiced every wave – now it is settling down – I can see it smoothly floating towards me from the horizon, I can see the shore where I am heading.

Many have asked how will that shore look like. Have I thought about it? Yes maybe, do I know how long before I reach there? maybe not.

Let me row this journey back to the port where I started off from.

This port was something very magnificent, the lights twinkling as bright as I hoped my future would be. There was chaos – which was music to ears. I was one among those who was preparing to sail. I could see people loading buckets of trust, containers of self confidence, cartons wrapped with this fake aura that they were hoping would guide them through the rough path ahead. Buried under such hopes they crawled up into their ships, as the port slowly started becoming less populated and the ships started moving out.

There I was, sitting with the minimal luggage – a small sheet of respect wrapped around me, small chunks of narcissism and just enough snacks called love to get me through this long journey.

I had no expectations, I had no hopes but I still knew I had to be on this journey.

So when the storm called love came, like I said I wasn’t ready. But then they say, best things in life come when you are unprepared – or the worst? A hypothesis that might still need some validation.

I knew exactly what love looked like…

I would have recognized her at first glance

Love played my favorite music
And knew all my favorite songs

Love and I found a perch that fit us perfectly

We found jokes that make us laugh

I cried for love
I tell love, “You are beautiful”

And mean it

But I am not perfect and will sometime forget

That is when the storm erupted, grew up engulfing the fear that I might be lying, became ferocious and insecure that I might not sustain her wrath. But I sat there, right there on the perch, waiting for her to calm down, waiting for her to settle into simple flow that I have always loved.

Love mellowed down, love embraced me, looked at me with those dreamy eyes which said – why you do this? I looked back at love, warmly welcomed its presence, put a little smile on the face – I do this because I care, I have forgotten what love is so I am learning again, I don’t know what it feels like to jump into this storm and ride the waves with comfort, you are the reason I am trying and slowly getting back on top

You made me realize why  I am good, you made me feel why I am good. You were the storm that I needed to shake me up, you were the storm which floated me to the shore, you were the storm that I rode to become who I am today, you are the storm that I would want to experience everyday in my life

Now when I look at you from the distance, I see the same resistance but more confidence, the same anger, but wrapped in love. You are more crazy but even more fun, you are more stubborn but so much more fun, you are mad but a lot more caring.

And now love just asks:

Will you still care in the morning?
When the magic’s gone, gone, oh?
And will you be there in the morning?
Do you stay when it all goes?
Or will I wake up alone?

And all I will sing to that is:

I don’t mind
If you want to hold onto me tight
You don’t have to sleep alone tonight

You’re the light that lifts me higher
So bright, you guide me through
I believe in you!

Yours Sincerely,

Lover

 

 

 

 

I will be fine

“I’m fine”, he said with a smile extending from one end to the another.

Little did they know, what was brushed under the carpet,

Little did they know the effort put in to pull off that smile and

Little did they know, that the smile

Was just an effort to keep people away from his life.

He still cared as if she mattered to her the most

He still loved as if she was the only one in the world

Even when he knew, it was not meant to be

Even when he knew, one day she will walk away

Even then he said – “No she is not using me”

He tried to look ahead

He tried to walk ahead, with a strong face

Because no one picked him up

Because no one wanted him to get up

Because he was still waiting for her hand to pull him up

“I see her.

I see her right next to me

I see her smiling right back at me

I see her standing in front of me

With him, instead of being with me”

He took steps to find that love again

He made efforts to fake that smile again

All he could do was pick up the pieces

All he could do was walk away

All he did, was close his eyes

Tears trickled down, holding the pain

He looked up with his moist eyes

“I’m really fine’, he grinned once again