Home

The sun was fading away into the horizon

It was a long day, loads of work and definitely no fun

He packed up his back, she closed her work

Both of them left for their home

There was a smile on his face, happiness in her step

He dreamt of holding her

She laughed at the thought of him hugging her

He looked at watch, she glanced outside the cab window

Both of them wondered, why is the time moving so slow

He took the last turn, her cab pulled in past the corner shop

The happiness in that moment was over the top

He parked the car, she unlocked the door

The fragrance in the house was just like the wind on a sea shore

He sat on the sofa, she hugged her in all comfort and hope

They closed their eyes, he kissed her forehead

And that was their home.

When things just happen

Have you ever imagined if some of your favourite stories came true? Or when you watched a movie and the same incident happens with you? All these fantasies are always what we wish for in our life – many a times they do happen as well, and when they do, it is different feeling. You are smiling, there are butterflies in your stomach, and the world just seems a better place – of course your heart makes your mind think – do miracles really happen?

I, of all people, and those who know me well, would acknowledge the fact about how big a fan of Bollywood I am. In fact, many people close to me also say that my life itself is a movie (ok, maybe that is just me quoting myself). Funny though that I experienced something that I have never had before.

In the age of quarantine, pandemic, work from home and isolation, it is very easy for your mind to go into overthinking mode or really drive you crazy. Interestingly, when I was in the zone of no hope, comes a notification on my phone – a friend of mine had replied to a story of mine. Oh trust me, in today’s world – that’s a bigger sign of happiness than getting a match on tinder. Anyhow, the conversation started from there – went on to some totally random topics – to daily exchanges to getting into each others’ phonebooks and then texting.

Both of us had the least of ideas about what was going on, but it was very clear that we were pulling each other out of our dark modes in these difficult times.

The first phone call happened to be a pretty long one – probably as long as an average flight time in our country (2 hours). There were things we did not know, and old incidents that we revisited from our past and places and people that we shared. Oh yes, that’s the detail I missed – we knew each other for long time but never really got to talking. Funny what a lockdown and staying at home for so long can do to you.

What was more shocking were the long list of similarities that came up – even when it comes to disliking people, food and behaviours. I guess that’s what all that was needed at that point – in both of our lives.

Little did we realise when the switch flicked and we just fell for each other. From making each other sleep at night, to making sure the other person is comfortable and has their space – I think there were lot of things that just clicked without putting effort. Long time back, a friend of mine told me – “Relationships are not about saying I love you, it is about understanding and making sure you make each other grow”.

I never understood how that would work – but today even with a distance of 2164 kms between us, we understand what is going through each other’s head, we know how to complete each other’s sentences and we know when to step back and respect each other’s space.

Till date, all of it feels like a dream, a dream that I will make sure never ends, a dream that I want to continue to live. There are only countable things in life that one can be grateful for – and I guess I have found mine and I plan to hold onto it forever.

Maybe this is what feels like to be in a movie, maybe this is what feels like when somethings just happen and you love it. I hope everyone has a story like mine as we try to find our happy place in this world.

All the nice things

How much effort does it take to be nice? Is being nice a bad thing? When should one not be nice? Can this world do better with a bit of nice?

These are just few of the questions that keep flowing through my head. I search for answers to them in many different ways – by asking people, by staying up, by procrastinating, by overthinking, by confiding in myself, by crying, or by just being numb to lot of things happening around me. While I struggle through this every day, the pain of getting hurt, the pain of being stood up, the pain of not receiving love, continues to break me piece by piece. Interesting fact is that now even the harshest of pain is not able to push a tear down my eyes. Lot of people tell me I am strong, but the reality is that I am an emotional person, and as they say, over time you become immune to the pain.

I admit I need help. Don’t worry, I am not running away from the fact that I need it, I just don’t know if I am capable of explaining another unknown what is going on, take the effort to listen and have a dialogue about whatever I have felt about things till now since the start of forever. Maybe sometimes you don’t need a professional, maybe you just need to be there for yourself to feel better and get okay each and every day.

I have cried for you, I have smiled for you, I have gone above and beyond to make sure that your day is a good one, I travelled miles just to make sure you aren’t alone, I have sacrificed things just so you could be better off with people that don’t value you, I have been that person you can count on, without asking for the same in return, I have watched you grow, put my strength to push you through the hard times and stood behind every step yours guarding you, celebrating you without worrying about the important moments in my life. As I end that long sentence with a full stop, I want to make and effort to stop being that giving, to stop being who I am, to stop caring so much and just letting go.

I sit here under the fading lights of my room contemplating what is the reason I am continuing to be who I am, or why do I continue to breathe this uneasy air – again finding answers to questions that keeps me awake everyday. Maybe there is a reason that I continue to pen down my thoughts in the hope to feel better, in the hope that I will not feel bad about saying no to people, about putting myself first, about not trying too hard to seek validation, acceptance and love.

I trace my steps back to find happy memories, to find days when I used to confidently say that I am okay. The journey back is a long one, but when I reach those memories – I smile through the falling tears and tell myself that those times will come again. 

 

Why do we cry?

An emotion that many try to hide, an emotion that many try to run away from, an emotion that many love to confide in, an emotion that gets better of many and an emotion probably stronger than any other – but the question that comes with it is “Why do we cry?”

The list of questions with “why” for this situation is endless –  “Why are you crying?”, “Why are there tears in your eyes?” What makes it worse is when people actually expect an answer from you to those questions – trust me, just ask that soul in that state about the struggle they go through to put words to their thoughts to find an answer.

The situation is not about answers, it is really about understanding are those tears of joy or sorrow – and one thought this will be an easy task. As hard it is to deal with it, it is even harder to figure out the state of mind the person is in.

• Oh they are tears f joy, I am blessed with a baby sister
• Don’t ask, you will not get my pain
• This is the emotion when you top in your academics
• I thought I will get to hear at least one more story from my grandmom
• “Your account has been credited by Rs. XX,XXX “
• I gave everything, but she never cared
• Yes! We are world champions after forever
• I lost a friend today
• I have found my best friend in you

Just some of those times, when we couldn’t hold back and they came out.

I bet I missed a lot more, or probably the ones pertaining to the present situation he is in.

Who is he? Just one among the crowd of what people call “emotional fools”. But then somethings are just pre-wired, and that’s how he is. For him, the world should be a happy place – whether it is the people he knows or he would just crossed paths with once in his lives. Difficult task – but then he always puts those small or big efforts – appreciated or not, he just does it. Returns? As you would have expected – there were expectations which were never met – but he continued on that path for as long as one could remember.

The world sucked more from him, so did his near and dear ones – he continued till he could. He knew he was running out of it when he finally decided to stop, sit down on the side – look back at the smiles staring back at him.

As expected tears came out, he broke down – why wasn’t he happy? Why did we hear pain his crying? Because every time he gave a smile, he expected to get support on his journey – but never asked upfront. People are selfish souls – he could hear his brain talk to him while he cried.

He saw 3-4 smiles out of the 100 he had distributed, walk towards him. They wiped his tears, helped him to his feet, put him back on the track. He started waling again, with their words still echoing – “We are there for you”. His eyes were still moist, but this time with a smile.

We meet a lot of people in life, but make sure to hold onto the right ones, and wave good bye to the wrong ones with a smile. Because you are not worth it.

Happy Crying 🙂

Home is where the heart is!

How do you build a home?

The answer to that question has always been a subjective one. I would say there never is a correct answer to that one. Many have tried answering it – and I would say all of them have succeeded in their own wonderful manner.

Many people have found solace in variety of places – Bruce Wayne found it behind a waterfall in a cave, Clark Kent found it hidden in the polar ice caps, Hancock found it on benches of New York., Diana prefered it in a world hidden from men, a bunch of turtles found it in the gutters of America.

Someone asked me, where is your home?

Well, my journey to home is a long one – from her white car to two separate blocks to a single room, it has always been about her and the place she wants to call a home. For me, it has always been about the little moments of joy and those memories which I can cherish when I grow old with her – if a place can provide those then that is home!

Remember the times when you first tried cooking together- when it all starts with a promise of making x but it ends to be y but yet you enjoy it. Or when it’s all about taking the cleaner and rubbing your weekend to cleanliness – that sure deserves a pizza to top it up. Or maybe just those relaxing days where you never switch on the light and let go of the blanket – a good sleep never bothered anyone.

But nothing can beat the days when you get your cheap thrills on and it’s just alcohol, chicken and some music to pump up your nights.

Sometimes, more than the perfect place or items, you really need that perfect someone to build a house – whether it’s spending money everyday to fix things or to take those daily trips to the supermarket because making a list is too old fashioned.

But perfect has its own definitions too. Perfect is when you fight about what food should be made, perfect is when you argue about which side of bed is yours, perfect is when you just can’t stand each other on few days, perfect is when you give each other the cold shoulder – and perfect is when deep down you know no matter how curved the edges are – you are the two pieces that fit. together.

These tales will be embedded in the curtains when you leave, the walls will echo your shouting on each other days, the floor will resonate from the days you tapped your feet together and your eyes will shed a tear – when you will lock the door for one last time.

That is when you know you are leaving a home that you both built together – a home that I built with her.

Lost

He was sitting there, all by himself – on the couch, with a glass of water in his hand, his earphones plugged in – listening to that tune they danced on the other night.

But today was not about them or her today, it’s about him – him as a person, him as someone which this world doesn’t know about – just like that unknown x that you try to solve for in the toughest math equation, just like that UFO which was never spotted, just like that element in food which is always missing. But it is present or found, it sure causes a lot of chaos – the new definition of the latest chaos theory? Or maybe not.

Things had been a little different those days – people were looking towards him, people were realizing who he was, people wanted to be a part of his life. But why all the attention?

A day that went by

Full dark and gloomy skies

It made the strongest break down

There was pain but no sound

He tried

But all was in vain

He cried

They said he was insane

Maybe he was, maybe he wasn’t

Just when he was trying to build himself together, they came with the canons and the arsenal. They came out to break him, to bring him down for what he had done. They wanted him out for the way he acted, they wanted him to pay for the way he was.

What did he do? Trusted people

How did he act? Fair to all, putting them first

How he was? A leader who shed bled for his army first

He questioned himself his mistake, he questioned himself his credibility, he questioned his strength, he questioned his actions.

He looked up at the sky

Wished for her, and said “oh my!”

“How I wished you knew”

“What I went through”

“I tried to be strong”

“They said I was wrong”

She woke up to a voice note from him

Three seconds later, she knew he was gone

He had gone to the bakery shop, with heavy eyes and no sleep for last night, to get some bread and breakfast. Holding the favorite coffee he knew she liked, he rode that bike across town, just to be with that person. It was a new day, a new beginning, a day with her sure can make things right. He knew, those low lives would come again – stronger and better, they would try to hit hard and take it all away. He knew he would be ready this time, he knew he ain’t giving up so easy this time.

He looked at his phone

Hummed a beautiful tone

He forgot about road and the way back home

Through the phone he saw her smiling

He coughed a laugh through that crying

The road was cold below as he closed his eyes

And that was the final goodbye

The car drove away over the broken bike. There was a crowd around, surrounding him as he lay there cold. The morning air was filled with smell of fresh bread and freshly brewed coffee – the one that would not reach it’s destination.

She waited for the door bell to ring, which never did. When it did, she fell to the floor, she knew they had won and she had lost.