All the nice things

How much effort does it take to be nice? Is being nice a bad thing? When should one not be nice? Can this world do better with a bit of nice?

These are just few of the questions that keep flowing through my head. I search for answers to them in many different ways – by asking people, by staying up, by procrastinating, by overthinking, by confiding in myself, by crying, or by just being numb to lot of things happening around me. While I struggle through this every day, the pain of getting hurt, the pain of being stood up, the pain of not receiving love, continues to break me piece by piece. Interesting fact is that now even the harshest of pain is not able to push a tear down my eyes. Lot of people tell me I am strong, but the reality is that I am an emotional person, and as they say, over time you become immune to the pain.

I admit I need help. Don’t worry, I am not running away from the fact that I need it, I just don’t know if I am capable of explaining another unknown what is going on, take the effort to listen and have a dialogue about whatever I have felt about things till now since the start of forever. Maybe sometimes you don’t need a professional, maybe you just need to be there for yourself to feel better and get okay each and every day.

I have cried for you, I have smiled for you, I have gone above and beyond to make sure that your day is a good one, I travelled miles just to make sure you aren’t alone, I have sacrificed things just so you could be better off with people that don’t value you, I have been that person you can count on, without asking for the same in return, I have watched you grow, put my strength to push you through the hard times and stood behind every step yours guarding you, celebrating you without worrying about the important moments in my life. As I end that long sentence with a full stop, I want to make and effort to stop being that giving, to stop being who I am, to stop caring so much and just letting go.

I sit here under the fading lights of my room contemplating what is the reason I am continuing to be who I am, or why do I continue to breathe this uneasy air – again finding answers to questions that keeps me awake everyday. Maybe there is a reason that I continue to pen down my thoughts in the hope to feel better, in the hope that I will not feel bad about saying no to people, about putting myself first, about not trying too hard to seek validation, acceptance and love.

I trace my steps back to find happy memories, to find days when I used to confidently say that I am okay. The journey back is a long one, but when I reach those memories – I smile through the falling tears and tell myself that those times will come again.